Lessons in Confession from a Legendary Punk

How to Get Better at Admitting You’re Wrong

The first time I heard Mike Ness, vocalist and songwriter for the punk rock band Social Distortion, sing I Was Wrong, I was floored. With so many artists bragging about how amazing they are, how right they are or how wrong everyone else is, it was refreshing to hear someone admit they were wrong. Ness spent year after year in rehab for drug addiction, damaged several relationships and had multiple encounters with the law. Now age 57, he’s expressing himself with raw humility…

When I was young, I was so full of fear
I hid behind anger, held back the tears
It was me against the world, I was sure that I'd win
The world fought back, punished me for my sins

I felt so alone, so insecure
I blamed you instead and made sure I was heard
And they tried to warn me of my evil ways
But I couldn't hear what they had to say

I was wrong
Self destruction's got me again
I was wrong
I realized now that I was wrong

I grew up fast, I grew up hard
Something was wrong from the very start
I was fighting everybody, I was fighting everything
But the only one that I hurt was me

I realized now that I was wrong

When You Do Not Want to Admit You Are Wrong

Why is it so hard to admit being wrong? One reason is that we may believe we are a genuinely good person, so when we make a mistake, let’s say allowing anger to get the better of us, we experience a clash in our brain. We’re a kind person that people like, yet we just humiliated ourself with our anger. This is called cognitive dissonance - the stress we go through when we experience two opposing thoughts. Our response from this inconvenience may be to deny that we’re at fault. After all, nobody wants our kindness endangered by potential evidence that we’re actually a bully. This threatens our sense of self, which in turn can cause us to avoid the fact that we made a mistake.

Yet the importance of confession, which is a fancy word for “admit”, is exceptionally significant. Not only does it allow us to improve our relationships, it can also bring a relief inside our soul that cultivates life. When we admit we’re wrong we open the door for trust and respect. Why? Because everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone has the character to admit it.

How to Admit You’re Wrong in a Relationship

God Himself has established admitting wrongness (confession) as one of the core aspects of developing a relationship with Him. The Apostle John said it like this,

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins 
and purify us from all unrighteousness. 
(1 John 1:8-9, NIV)

The day that I finally admitted to God that I was wrong and He was right was the best day of my life. This was the day I became a follower of Jesus, but wow was it difficult for me to get to the point of admitting I was wrong! Ironically, once I did finally get to that point, I never felt better. There was an enormous relief inside of me to get that off the shoulder’s of my soul and accept the fact that God loved me anyway. And that’s an important fact: God doesn’t love us based on our behavoirs; God loves us… period. He IS love. He chooses to love. He wants to love. This is crucial to understand for us to move forward with admitting we are wrong.

This truth pours over into our relationships with one another as well. If love is the reason we respond to God by admitting we’re wrong, love can also be the reason we admit wrongness to each other. When we understand in the core of our being that we are loved, accepted and forgiven, regardless of what we’ve done, it can propel us to live in humiilty with one another.

Take the risk and admit you’re wrong. This might go against everything inside you as you want to justify something, or explain your excuses, or are scared to death of looking weak. But the truth is, strong people admit they are wrong. Successful people admit they are wrong. Good people admit they are wrong.

One of my favorite examples of this in the Bible is when King David, who had recently committed adultery and murder, finally breaks down and admits he’s wrong after being confronted by the prophet Nathan. Although the consequences of his mistakes were enormous (which would’ve happened whether or not he confessed his sins), once he was able to admit his wrongness, he experienced freedom in his soul. In fact, one of his most cherished songs, that is still sung today, was written in response to this experience. The lyrics of that song may be a very helpful tool to learn how to take steps to admit wrongness.

How to Admit You’re Wrong

Like many of you, I’ve learned that one of the values of confession is that it can better both my relationship with God and my relationships with others. It’s inconvenient, and it can hurt, but it brings life, and I’m committed to cultivating life more than protecting my pride. For many people though, admitting wrongness isn’t just inconvenient… it’s excruciatingly difficult! If that’s you, you probably recognize how this impacts your life. You wish you could “just admit it”, but there’s a strong part of you that wishes “THEY would just admit it”. And that’s part of the challenge with confession. Many times it’s a multifaceted, rather complicated endeavor. We want them to admit they’re wrong, and then maybe we’ll think about what we might’ve done wrong.

If you find yourself stuck in this rut, I know what it’s like to hold on to resentment toward others and hold back from admitting that we too were wrong. But consider some of these thoughts:

• Admitting you’re wrong doesn’t mean you’re weak.

• Admitting you’re wrong doesn’t mean “they” didn’t do everything right (they might be even more at fault than you are, but you can’t control their confession… only yours).

• God rewards those who can admit they’re wrong (even if man uses our confession against us).

• Admitting you’re wrong is the right thing to do (even if it’s just admitting it to yourself and God, this is an extremely crucial step in being able to move forward in your life in a healthy way).

• Admitting you’re wrong brings life

• Admitting you’re wrong can bring healing

Ready to admit you’re wrong? Here’s a few ways to go about it:

1. Admit the truth to yourself (this doesn’t have to be a shameful experience)

2. Admit the truth to God (truth sets people free!)

3. Tell the person “I am sorry, I was wrong” (simple and clear… these are powerful words!)

4. Look for the lesson (there’s always an opportunity to learn something).

5. Forgive yourself and move on with grace, compassion and love toward youself and others

I hope this has been an encouraging read for you! Don’t give up! Keep moving forward!

If you’re stuck in the rut of pride, unforgiveness or hurt, I am here for you! Please contact me and let’s come up with strategies to overcome! There’s always hope!

This Is What Happens When You Give Healthy Feedback

How to Give Constructive Criticism and Encourage at the Same Time 

Jake Lloyd is a man who needs a lot of compassion. At just 10-years-old he starred as Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace and his hopes were soaring as this was the chance of a lifetime. But what was supposed to be the launching pad for an amazing life, turned out to be a living nightmare. 

Expectations for the movie were ridiculously high and Lloyd became the target in the wake of harsh criticism. Many fans hated Phantom Menace and were looking for ways to mutter their annoyance with the film, and Jake became their whipping boy. People began calling him “Mannequin Skywalker” as a reference to what they said was “wooden acting”. He endured years of bullying at school, and all this led to a severe whiplash effect on the 10-year-old. 

“I’m still angry about the way they treated Jake Lloyd. He was only ten years old, that boy, and he did exactly what George wanted him to do. Believe me, I understand clunky dialog.”
- Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker) 

The aftermath in Jake’s life was tragic. He began despising being in front of the camera and destroyed all of his Star Wars memorabilia. In 2015, he assaulted his mother and then later was arrested after initiating a high-speed police chase. In April 2016, he was relocated from jail to a psychiatric hospital with a schizophrenia diagnosis. 

How to Give Constructive Criticism without Crushing Someone 

Have you noticed that thoughtless criticism seems so much easier to dish out than constructive feedback? For many of us, we may tend to be easily insulted and in high need of ego defense. In other situations, we’re just plain too emotional in the moment, too tired and hungry. Regardless, we are all responsible to keep a check on what we say and how we say it. 

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen”
-Apostle Paul, ‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4:29‬

How to Approach Constructive Criticism for Sensational Results 

Can you imagine what life would be like if we were able to live out those words from the Apostle Paul on a daily basis? What if all of our criticism was so constructive that it was continually based on only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs? 

There’s a poster on the wall of a business I regularly visit that says:

Before you speak, THINK 

T ~ is it true?

H ~ is it helpful?

I ~ is it inspiring?

N ~ is it necessary?

K ~ is it kind?

A simple commitment to practice these sentiments can go a long way in helping us learn how to engage in healthy constructive criticism. Need to assess someone’s behavior? It may be wise to THINK through these beforehand.

Words and Tone and Body Language, Oh My! 

Not everyone loves a Compliment Sandwich, but many people eat it up, and I’m one of them! When somebody needs to critique me I am always down for the encouraging words bookended on each side of the criticism. Not only does it help me digest the feedback, it also assures me that they’re seeing the positives along with my growth areas. 

The absolute best is when:

• I already know that this person genuinely cares about me 

• Their words are balanced with both praise and critique (Compliment Sandwich)

• Their tone is under control

• Their body language communicates peace

Admittedly, those four things aren’t easy to manage when correcting someone, especially in the heat of the moment. I’m just as guilty as anyone for clobbering someone with my words. That’s why it’s crucial to practice taking a few moments to plan what we’re going to say and how we’re going to approach the criticism so that the impact is legitimately constructive. 

It is possible to use our words, tone and body language to build others up even when needing to criticize. And isn’t that the whole point with constructive criticism? The word “constructive” communicates building rather than tearing. It’s the art of saying something difficult in a way that allows the person to receive it to help meet their needs. 

Using Attractive Words that Help People Soar 

It may be that our first step in approaching constructive criticism is doing a heart check. If our inner attitude toward the person is nasty that’s the first thing that needs to be addressed. When we’re ready to move forward with our feedback here are some go-to phrases that can build people up in the midst of the constructive criticism:

• “I’ve noticed you’re grown so much in the area of…”

• “The other day when you… caught my attention. Well done!”

• “I love it when you…”

• “People seem to respond very positively when you…”

• “Everyone seems to appreciate your willingness to…”

• “Few people I know are as good at…”

• “The potential you have for… is outstanding.”

• “It’s impressive to see someone so quick to learn…”

• “One of the coolest aspects about you is…”

• “I love how God created you…”

Remember, the person you are criticising is a person God created and loves. That makes them worth the effort to figure out how to approach the conversation. You can do this! 

If you’re struggling to know how to move forward with a relationship that is frustrating I’m here for you! Conversely, if you’ve been negatively impacted by criticism and could use a friend to come alongside you I’m here for you too! If you find yourself in a rut of negativity and hear your mind and/or your mouth tearing people down I’d be happy to come alongside you as well! We’re all in need of grace and there’s always hope!

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. ‭‭
-Psalm ‭19:14‬

This is what happens when Jar Jar almost commits suicide

How to forgive after being bombarded with hate 

When Ahmed Best received the opportunity to be apart of a Star Wars movie, he knew his life would never be the same. The outcome of the experience, however, was the polar opposite of what he had envisioned. Jar Jar Binks would become the most hated character in the history of the franchise. The public’s criticism was ruthless; Ahmed had no preparation for the backlash. He eventually found himself standing on the edge of the Brooklyn Bridge ready to end it all. He tells his story honestly and beautifully here.

Today I want to take a closer look at learning how to forgive people who have hurt us. You may feel stuck in a pit of resentment, but there is always hope! Some of the worst victims of some of the worst injustices have learned how to forgive. Google amazing stories of forgiveness and you will find numerous situations of people who have learned to overcome incredible pain and become an agent of healing. If they can learn how to forgive, so can you!

How Do You Forgive Even When It Feels Impossible?

A simple definition of forgiveness is to release someone from your judgement. This sounds great in theory, but one of the most challenging aspects of learning how to forgive is the obstacle of feeling like what we’re actually saying is what they did was okay. But consider what forgiveness doesn’t mean:  

• It doesn’t mean you are saying what they did was okay.

• It doesn’t mean you need to talk to the person. 

• It doesn’t mean your feelings have to change about the hurt they caused. 

• It doesn’t mean you have to continue with the relationship.

• It doesn’t mean you’re doing them a favor. 

Learning How To Forgive Like A Boss

Now to be clear, as you learn how to forgive, it might be very beneficial for you to continue the relationship or be a blessing to them or have your feelings change for the better. But those aren’t necessarily required for forgiveness to be real inside of you. You can release someone from your judgment while still hurting inside. You can learn how to forgive and choose not to continue having them in your life if that’s what is really needed. 

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Forgiveness is an amazingly freeing gift. By learning how to forgive, you let go of your grievance and allow yourself to heal. And this is completely possible with the help of Jesus. 

How to forgive has a lot to do with acknowledging what happened and discovering how to resolve it inside of yourself between you and God. While sometimes forgiveness is a simple decision within ourselves, other times it is like running a soul marathon. This might be a journey that takes time through prayer, meditation, or counseling. Either way, forgiveness has more to do with you than the person who hurt you, for learning how to forgive is always a blessing to you.  

I once heard someone say, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and then thinking they are the one who will die.” This is important. Accept the reality that you’re doing yourself a huge favor by taking the steps to learn how to forgive.

Here are some important steps to learning how to forgive:

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• Acknowledge what happened. Don’t downplay it. It is what it is. Someone hurt you.  

• Admit that you’ve been holding this person in judgment. This isn’t to make you feel bad, it’s to simply admit your struggle to God. Confession is often an important step to inner freedom.  

• Think of the good that has come from the situation. There are usually some important lessons you can gain from the experience. What have you learned? How have you grown? 

• Think about Jesus. Think about how he was wrongly accused, humiliated, rejected, and abused. If he can go through all of that and still say “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” while nailed to the cross, you can forgive too. (Luke 23 // 1 Peter 2:21-25)  

• If you haven’t yet, choose to be a Jesus follower. Ask Jesus to forgive you for your sins and choose to allow him to be the Lord and Savior of your life. This is the start of truly learning how to forgive. By becoming a follower of Jesus you allow him to enter your life and give you the ability to live the way he designed, which includes learning how to forgive. (Romans 10:9-10 // Matthew 11:28-30)

• Pray for help. Something like, “Jesus, thank you for your forgiveness. I ask that you’d teach me to forgive the same way you’ve forgiven me…” (Ephesians 4:32 // Matthew 18:21-35)

• View the person that hurt you with compassion and/or pity. Think about how they’re a human with the same tendencies that all humans have. Recognize that hurt people, hurt people. If they hurt you that means they may be hurting themselves, or they may have been trying to meet a need within themselves in an unhealthy way.

• Release the person. Pray something like, “Jesus, I release this person from my judgment. I forgive them and surrender them into your hands. I also surrender my control over the situation. I choose to heal rather than to hate. I pray that you will bless this person with your love. Help them to know your forgiveness too.” (Luke 6:27-36) 

• If appropriate, you may want to express to the one who hurt you that you have forgiven them.   

Now is a Good Time to Soar in the Counseling Journey 

You’re not alone! If you’re trying to learn how to forgive or if you’re stuck in the midst of depression or guilt, there’s always hope! You can learn to heal and become a healing agent! I would be honored to come alongside you on this journey.

How to Be Happy on Valentine's Day

Embracing new practices that will dramatically transform your happiness

Whether you’re alone or are with someone but still feel alone, Valentine’s Day can be tricky for some people as they struggle with how to be happy. You’re not alone in that. The desire for happiness is a universal want in all humans. Everywhere. In fact, learning how to be happy is such a strong desire that, at one point, the class Positive Psychology became the most popular class at Harvard University. This class was pulling in 1,000 students each week! 

Here’s what some studies have shown about our happiness:

• 50% is determined by our genes (our genetic set point)

• 10% is circumstances (money, social status, health, age, where you live, etc.)

• 40% is intentional activity (actions you choose to do)

Think about that last stat… 40% of “how to be happy” comes from intentional activity. That’s a lot! Compare that to only 10% being determined by our circumstances! This means whether or not you’re happy on Valentine's Day (or any other day for that matter) can have much more to do with intentional activity than you might have thought. This is good news friends; this means you have a lot of control over how to be happy! 

So, yes, a person can experience deep and genuine happiness with bad circumstances, but it does come with a catch... that person is going to need to be willing to work for it. Intentional activity doesn’t happen by itself, in a vacuum or by osmosis. We have to be willing to practice.  (By the way, to see more on this check out Galatians 6:9 in the Bible… it’s the verse I’ve built much of my life upon.)

7 Things You Can Practice NOW to Learn How to be Happy

1) Get a Dopamine Hit

Dopamine, a chemical neurotransmitter in the brain, is necessary for feelings of pleasure and happiness. You can seek out healthy experiences that release dopamine. Want to know one of the easiest ways to achieve this? Aerobic exercise. That’s right, cardiovascular conditioning (fast walking, swimming, running, cycling, etc.) is one of the best ways to release dopamine, especially if you do it in novel ways (a simple Google search will reveal lots of ideas). 

2) Get In the Zone

In the 2011 documentary Happy, Filmmaker Roko Belic travels to more than a dozen countries, searching for the meaning of happiness. He found something called flow - “a kind of synergy of different aspects of consciousness where you wish you could go forever because you're good at it, nothing else matters in that moment, you forget yourself and love life…” What he learned is that people who experience flow on a regular basis are happier than those who don't. 

3) Recover from Adversity

Surprisingly, one of the keys to learning how to be happy is found in bouncing back. This might seem like a daunting task, but honestly, a lot of it has to do with our mindset.  (Check out Galatians 6:9 , James 1:12 and Romans 5:3-5 for some inspiration). 

4) Be Content with What You Have

This is one of the most striking aspects of the documentary, Happy. Roko talks about The Hedonic Treadmill, which is “adapting to material things and then wanting more...then more...then more…  because you keep adapting to the next thing”. The truth is, once you have your basic needs met, more money doesn't buy more happiness. Yes, the difference in happiness between the person who earns $5,000 and $50,000 is dramatic, but the difference in happiness between the person who earns $50,000 and $50 million is not dramatic. As it turns out, Hedonic Adaptation is one of the main enemies of happiness. In other words, if we can learn to be content with what we have rather than having to purchase yet another “thing” on Amazon, we will finally begin to learn how to be happy. 

5) Have a Close, Supportive Community 

There are two types of goals we pursue in life: intrinsic and extrinsic. Intrinsic goals are satisfying in and of themselves. They have to do with important psychological needs that all people have. The three main intrinsic goals are:

• Personal goals (trying to be who I really am)

• Close, connected relationships 

• Community feeling (wanting to help the world be a better place)

By committing to cultivating healthy relationships, you will be learning how to be happy. This is especially true if the people you associate with are trying to help the world become a better place! (For more on this see Hebrews 10:24-25)

6) Decrease the Value of Things that Aren’t Worth It 

Extrinsic goals are those things that are external… possessions, rewards, praise, etc. Do these things matter? Yes, to an extent. The problem comes when we put too much value in them. The three most common are:  

• Money (financial success)

• Image (looking good)

• Status (popularity)

All three of those have their place in the world. But honestly, their place should take a back seat to many of the things in life that matter most (God, people, family, mental health, physical state and emotional well-being). As you practice lowering those on the priority list you’ll be teaching yourself, and others, how to be happy. (For more on this see Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 6)

7) Intentionally change your brain with certain practices

Consider the following practices as potential action items to include as part of your life experience to learn how to be happy:

• Believe in something bigger than yourself (Jesus is much bigger than me and I’m so thankful!)

• Cooperate with people (evidently, cooperating with another human can feel just as good as a drug!)

• Show compassion (show people that they're not forgotten, they are loved by God and are precious!)

• Random acts of kindness (do this regularly and you will definitely be on the path to know how to be happy!)

• Laugh (laughter is good medicine!)

• Mindfulness (meditation that cultivates compassion might be more effective than antidepressants!) 

• Journal (every Sunday night write down 5 things you're thankful for and contemplate them...count your blessings!)

• Serve the person right in front of you (helping others carry their burdens can lighten your own load!) 

• Forgive (releasing people from your judgment will allow freedom for your soul! Practice forgiveness!)

All of these practices help us cultivate healthy spiritual emotions. If we put these into action we can intentionally change our brains! The paradox here is that if we’re worried about our own happiness, it can become a selfish endeavor. However, if we concern ourselves with the well-being of others and care about something bigger than ourselves, our life can grow! (For more on this see Romans 12:1-3, and really chew on verse 2!)

---

If you’ve been hurt and your love tank is running on fumes

take a few moments each day to cultivate happiness.

You'll transform your brain, and your heart, in very positive ways!

Don’t give up! There’s always hope! 

If you are still struggling with how to be happy or content in your life, I’m here for you! 

This is what Happens when you Brainstorm Valentine Date Ideas

Love lost? Did you run out of great date ideas?

Several years ago my wife expressed the all-so-familiar-words that millions of men around the world have heard: I need you to romance me. I need to know that I matter in your life and that you want to connect with me. I need you to take me on a date!

Nearly every guy I’ve ever counseled recalls a similar conversation with their girlfriend or wife to me at some point. They’ll say something like, “she needs me to come up with great date ideas all the time and I’m embarrassed that I can’t think of anything.” It’s true, coming up with romantic date ideas might have been easy in the first year of the relationship. But then it is like reality subtly sneaks in and steals all the creative dating juices out of our brains! 

Since Valentine’s Day is around the corner, it’s the perfect time to get creative with your date night. Strapped for cash? Take it from me, cheap Valentine date ideas abound.

After my wife, Harmony, expressed these words to me, I began to brainstorm. This was before high speed internet, so I didn’t even think to Google it! I just started writing down as many unique date ideas as I could possibly think of. The outcome was rather encouraging.

The following is a mash up of my “great date ideas” list and my “inexpensive date ideas” list. Thanks to high-speed internet, I also threw in some cool date ideas from Google. Some of these need good weather, while others can be done during any season (like Valentine’s Day!). I also sprinkled in love connection ideas that aren’t exactly dates, but spark the love emotions (see numbers 11-15).

Finally, consider combining some of these ideas together… you might mash up a seriously awesome date night! You could even choose your date ideas together - a kind of “choose your own date adventure” experience. Keep at it! There’s always hope!

113 Great Date Ideas for the Desperate Lover on Valentine's Day

1. Go out for breakfast.

2. Look through old photo albums.

3. Roast marshmallows around a backyard fire pit.

4. Take advantage of offers to try out free martial arts or exercise classes.

5. Volunteer together.

6. Go out for coffee.

7. Participate in a local astronomy club's stargazing event.

8. Go sledding and warm up with hot cocoa afterward.

9. Look through travel brochures and plan your next vacation (or your dream one).

10. Hold a movie marathon.

11. Write a love note (what you love about them, etc.). Go somewhere without them knowing and bury the note. Hold hands while going on a walk and “stumble” upon the place and dig up the note…

12. Same as above but add (or replace it) with a gift card to your favorite coffee place or restaurant. Say “surprise” this is where we’re going when we get back home. 

13. Write as many “I love you because…” as possible on sticky notes. Wake before them and put them all over their morning routine (bathroom mirror, coffee mug, etc.). Put a letter/card from you where they eat breakfast that asks them on a date. 

14. Same as above but the sticky notes say kind words (You are so quick to forgive, You work so hard for us, You’re an incredibly creative chef, You are intensely beautiful, You are super responsible with money, You are an exceptionally good steward of what we have, You are an amazing mother/father, You put up with so much, Your hair reminds me of a warm safe place…)

15. 10/10 List - this one is risky, but can be very helpful to connect at a deeper and honest level… on one side of paper write down the 10 things you love best about them. On the other side write down the 10 things that drive you crazy about them. They do the same. Share your responses graciously. You could modify this to be a 10/5 list, or 10/2/10 (10 good/2 negative/10 more good), etc.

16. Go fishing.

17. Dip fondue. (Cheese and bread and strawberries, marshmallows and pretzels!)

18. Browse the farmer's market.

19. Rent a canoe.

20. Sing in a karaoke bar.

21. Make a fancy popcorn recipe and eat it while you watch a movie.

22. Attend a presentation at your local library.

23. Play cards or board games.

24. Go for a run.

25. Snuggle in a backyard hammock.

26. Cheer on the high school sports team.

27. Bake cookies.

28. Take a peek at homes in your community during real estate open houses.

29. Camp at a state park, which often has lower fees than a privately owned facility.

30. Drive around to look at holiday lights.

31. Take a walk in the park.

32. Cook dinner together.

33. Go for a scenic drive -- especially nice when the autumn trees are in full color.

34. Eat takeout by candlelight.

35. Conduct a taste test. Comings suggests driving to three or four local bakeries, picking up one chocolate chip cookie from each, then tasting and rating them to decide which the best is.

36. Stroll through a college campus.

37. Visit a historic site in your area -- admission is usually inexpensive.

38. Go out for ice cream.

39. Attend a free concert in the park.

40. Invite another couple over for a game night.

41. Go fantasy car shopping. Browse the lots and dream about which ones you'd like to own.

42. Visit an apple orchard or a you-pick berry farm.

43. Attend a high school or college play.

44. Walk hand-in-hand through the downtown streets.

45. Go bowling.

46. Fly kites.

47. Grill a pizza in your backyard.

48. Massage one another.

49. Play Frisbee.

50. Browse a secondhand store for new-to-you treasures.

51. Head to happy hour. Enjoying a drink or two together won't break the bank.

52. Play Name 5. Take turns calling out categories and seeing if the person can name five things that fit (five Tom Hanks movies, five pizza toppings, etc.).

53. Take a yoga class that focuses on relaxing.

54. Attend a poetry reading -- you might even consider reading your own compositions.

55. Collect shells at the beach.

56. Take a bubble bath together.

57. Have a special dinner at home. After the kids go to bed, dress up for late-night dinner in and bring out the fancy china

58. See a movie at a drive-in theater.

59. Play on a playground 

60. Go indoor rock climbing

61. Do a trial Crossfit week together

62. Have an alphabet scavenger hunt. Challenge yourselves to kiss in front of an item that starts with each letter of the alphabet.

63. Browse the stacks at the bookstore or library.

64. Watch your wedding video.

65. Visit free- or low-cost museums. Small-town museums often have low admission rates while large, city institutions often have free or pay-what-you-wish hours.

66. Play 1-on-1 basketball.

67. Go geocaching.

68. Play Pokemon Go.

69. Tackle a household project together.

70. Drive through ritzy neighborhoods and look at the houses.

71. Take photos of one another in a scenic location.

72. Go bird-watching.

73. Challenge each other to a video game competition.

74. Browse a home-improvement store and dream about renovations you'd like to make someday.

75. Draw pictures of one another -- stick figures are allowed!

76. Pick up a pizza and eat it in the park.

77. Attend the zoo or the aquarium on a free day.

78. Read aloud to one another from a book or magazine.

79. Set up your own wine tasting, with several single-serving bottles.

80. Have a lunch date. Many restaurants offer lunch-hour specials.

81. Hike the trails at a nature preserve.

82. Window shop at the mall. Treat yourselves to a soft pretzel or a giant cookie.

83. Hit up a used book sale.

84. Do crosswords or other word puzzles.

85. Go hunting. If that's not your thing, go wildlife watching.

86. Test your smarts at a trivia night. 

87. Attend a carnival or town festival.

88. Go mini golfing.

89. Set up an indoor picnic. 

90. Ride bicycles.

91. Take advantage of buy-one-get-one-free meal coupons for local restaurants. Keep an eye out for deals like these in the newspaper, the phone book and online deals sites.

92. Feed ducks at the pond.

93. Go swimming -- or just spend time in the hot tub.

94. Watch the sunset. This can be done from the beach, the hood of your car or your own front porch.

95. Attend an art fair or art show.

96. Enroll in a class together. You can find reasonably priced programs through your community college, parks and recreation department or community center.

97. Browse a flea market.

98. Dance -- in your living room for free or look into low-cost lesson options.

99. Binge watch as many episodes of a show you both love as you can in one night.

100. Watch a concert by your community band or orchestra.

101. Play racquetball or tennis.

102. Listen to podcasts.

103. Go roller skating.

104. Watch planes take off and land at the airport.

105. Visit a hobby store to pick out supplies for a project you can work on together, like a vacation scrapbook or a model car.

106. Play Google Roulette. Involves plugging random words into a search engine and picking an activity from the results.

107. Build a snowman or a sand castle -- depending on the time of year.

108. Visit a garden center or arboretum. Make plans for your own landscaping or garden.

109. Go out for slices of pie.

110. Go to museum during free time

111. At home spa – bubble bath, candles, face mask

112. Arcade night at the local arcade

113. Video game night

But I need better date ideas immediately!

Just because you didn’t see your favorite inexpensive date idea doesn’t mean it’s not out there. Grab a pen and paper, do some research and start brainstorming yourself! Coming up with meaningful, inexpensive date ideas might be easier than you think!

And then do all of us men a favor and share your Valentine date ideas in the comment section below!

Is it time to focus on couples counseling to spark the love life?

A final important word: if you’re in a difficult season in your relationship please consider getting couples counseling. Not only will it benefit your love for one another, you’ll also be cultivating inner peace for yourself as an individual. Great date ideas is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to improving relationships. There’s so much more to discover to waken your souls to one another! You just might be surprised how effective couples counseling can be! I’m here for you. There’s always hope!

When your Cranium gets Crammed with Colossal Craziness

Emerging your self-talk to new heights

The power of positive thinking is real. Everybody I know wants to know how to be happy, and most of us understand that positive thinking is a crucial part of the equation. If positive thinking has become a priority for you, well done! Keep reading…

You know what it’s like when you hear a song for the first time and it strikes a chord in you so deep that you get emotional? That’s how it was for me the first time I heard NF’s The Search. Here’s the specific lines that caught me attention...

Last year I had a breakdown
Thoughts tellin me I'm lost gettin too loud
Had to see a therapist then I found out
Somethin' funny's going on up in my house
Yeah started thinkin' maybe I should move out
You know pack my cart take a new route
Clean up my yard get the noose out
Hang up my heart let it air out

The point I'm makin is the mind is a powerful place
And what you feed it can affect you in a powerful way
It's pretty cool right?
Yeah, but it's not always safe
Just hang with me this will only take a moment okay
Just think about it for a second if you look at your face
Every day when you get up and think you'll never be great
You'll never be great
Not because you're not but the hate
Will always find a way to cut you up and murder your faith

Nathan Feuerstein (NF) communicates so well what it’s like for someone struggling with positive thinking. Our brains are an amazing masterpiece of creation that have the power of life and death, and if left untamed, will lead to unfortunate places. That’s why books on how to think positive are aplenty, everyone wants to know how the secret to positive thinking! 

Is it possible to rewire our brains to embrace positive thinking?

Here’s an excerpt from National Geographic regarding the fleshy computer in our skulls:  

You carry around a three-pound mass of wrinkly material in your head that controls every single thing you will ever do. From enabling you to think, learn, create, and feel emotions to controlling every blink, breath, and heartbeat—this fantastic control center is your brain. It is a structure so amazing that a famous scientist once called it "the most complex thing we have yet discovered in our universe."

Like all wonderful things in life, we must be careful to be good stewards of our brains. Our minds are extremely powerful, and therefore, as Stan Lee taught us, with great power comes great responsibility. If you’re like me, you’ve had seasons in your past where you forgot to be a good steward of you self-talk and positive thinking became a forgotten pipe dream. The ramifications can be devastating, but there’s good news! Your brain, with some diligent practice, can be transformed into something beautiful again! Here’s how the Apostle Paul put it…

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
(Romans 12:2)

How to train your mind to think positively

Picture yourself on a trail. Pretend the trail is a path that you’ve realized is leading toward a certain doom. On your left with an incline covered in dense plant life and trees. You decide to take out your machete and start building a new trail. How much work would that be? How long would it take? Right. A lot of work and a long time. However, would it be worth it if that new trail led to certain life? Absolutely. 

Our brains are very similar! We have the ability to create new pathways in our minds! It’s going to take a lot of practice, but it will be completely worth it. The more we practice healthy self-talk the more the build a new pathway upstairs. And the other cool part about this process is that the negative trail begins to get overgrown. In other words, our brain figures out that we don’t need that trail anymore and the new trail becomes the “go to” pathway. 

If you’re struggling with your thoughts, be encouraged! There is hope! You can practice healthy thinking and become “transformed by the renewing of your mind”. Positive thinking can become a reality for you! You can embrace the thought life that your Creator intended for you to have; a thought life that brings exactly that… life!  If you’d like to talk more about this please consider scheduling an appointment with me. I’d be happy to come alongside you as your Christian Counselor and teach you more tools to develop healthy, gracious self-talk. There’s always hope!

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

The Fragility of Life: Reflections in the Wake of Kobe Bryant

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Using Your Gifts as Your Legacy

Like many of you, I was stunned to hear of the helicopter crash on January 26 that took nine lives, including Kobe Bryant and his 13-year-old daughter Gianna. So sad and tragic. A good reminder of how precious and fragile life is and how any of us could be gone from this life in a flash. 

As various people around the globe share their thoughts on Bryant and how he inspired them, I was struck by NBA commissioner Adam Silver's statement on Bryant’s passing, “He was generous with the wisdom he acquired and saw it as his mission to share it with future generations...” Those are words worth pondering. 

Bryant was a man who had been given an immense gift in basketball and worked diligently to sharpen that gift. And though Bryant was extremely exceptional, it is common for people to have unique gifts. What isn’t so common is for someone to feel compelled to share that gift with others. Evidently, Kobe didn’t keep that talent to himself; he made it his “mission” to pass the baton to the next generation. That strikes me as something significant. 

This idea has always been very motivating to me. The idea of being good stewards of what we’ve been given and leaving a legacy for the next generation. Not everyone is a natural teacher, so this can be challenging for some, but that’s not to say we can’t share what we have with the next generation. 

My challenge for us today is to consider what our gifts are and how we could potentially share those gifts with the next generation.

For myself, I have the opportunity to teach my kids music, how to study the Bible and how to be a public speaker. As a pastoral counselor, I also have the chance to teach my kids (and others) how to talk to someone who is suicidal, dealing with high anxiety, depressed, guilt-ridden, addicted, or struggling through a faith crisis. It’s one thing to be given these gifts, but it’s a whole other level to pass the baton to the next generation! Our potential to become a life-changing agent in this world suddenly gets immensely magnified! 

Your gifts might be completely different than mine. Either way, I’d love to hear your thoughts. It might take a few moments of consideration to come up with something legit, but I think it’s a worthwhile exercise! Just think of the potential you could have if you figured out how to share your gift with even just one other person! Please share your ideas in the comment section below.

You Have the Chance to Make a Powerful Comeback

What to Do When You Encounter Setbacks

George “Babe” Ruth is one of the most famous baseball players of all time. He was a star pitcher for the Red Sox, but soon became celebrated as a home run slugger. In fact, he was so good that a couple of his records still stand today,  which is saying a lot considering his final season was in 1935!  

For as good as Ruth was at hitting the ball over the fence (he had 714 career home runs!), he was also known as the King of Strikeouts. He had an all-or-nothing batting style that led him to lead the American League in strikeouts five times, accumulating 1,330 of them in his career! 

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Yet, for all those strikeouts, Babe Ruth was still committed to smacking that ball across Yankee Stadium. That tenacious attitude gave him the nicknames The Great Bambino and The Sultan of Swat. By the time he finished his career, he was by far one of the greatest celebrated home run hitters of all time. 

Ruth is credited for saying, “Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.” Think about the significance of that statement for a moment. He didn’t allow his setbacks to keep him from having a comeback. This reminds me of the Apostle Peter in the Bible. Peter is known for putting his foot in his mouth over and over again. Out of all the dysfunctional disciples, Peter is the most famous for his blunders. After all, he’s the one who denied that he even knew Jesus during Jesus’ greatest hour of need. Yet, for all Peter’s imperfections, he never gave up… and the Lord never gave up on him! 

This is an important idea for all of us. God saw the potential in Peter, and He sees the potential in you too. He sees what you can become if you keep moving forward. No matter how many setbacks you have, you always have the opportunity to choose not to stay back. 

Yes, Peter is known for a lot of his mistakes, but he’s also known for being the one disciple who walked on water, and the one Jesus renamed “Rock”, and the one who led the beginning of the church with an impromptu sermon that led thousands to Christ. God didn’t give up on Peter and Peter didn’t give up on God. 

As a Christian Counselor who has come alongside numerous people over the years, I have had the privilege of seeing hopeless people embrace hope, hurting people become healed, and hateful people become compassionate. I have seen dysfunctional relationships become healthy, suicidal teenagers have their eyes opened to life-giving grace, and desperate parents equipped to move forward. There is always hope, my friend! If you need someone to come alongside you during this season of your life I am here for you!

Keep moving forward! Keep swinging. When you have a setback, don’t stay back, because God is preparing a comeback. 

Success? Here's the truth no one likes to hear.

Learning to embrace who you are rather than who you’re “supposed to be” is a big deal!

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I love that moment in Avengers: Endgame. Thor, who has let himself go and is emotionally unstable, listens to his mother say those words (see quote). So good! Thor had been striving to be someone he was never intended to be. Have you ever felt the same?

One of the great tools I get to use as a counselor is the APS Temperament Assessment. Unlike a behavioral assessment, this one measures temperament. 

What is a temperament assessment?

In simple terms, ‘temperament’ is the part of a person that determines how they react to people, places and things. It is how people interact with their environment and the world around them. Christian psychologists believe we are spiritual beings with a particular balance of body, soul, and spirit. The spirit houses our temperament. 

Temperament pinpoints our perception of ourselves and the people who love us. It is also a determining factor in how well we handle the stresses and pressures of life.

Why is a temperament assessment helpful?

As a pastoral counselor, the temperament assessment is a very helpful tool that enables me to more quickly and accurately pinpoint your needs. It covers 3 key areas: inclusion, control, and affection. If those needs aren’t being met, or are being met in unhealthy ways, this can contribute significantly to stress, anxiety, and problems within your life and relationships. Through this valuable tool, you will learn more about your unique, inborn, God-given strengths, weaknesses, and needs. Take it from me, this understanding can be exceptionally helpful and transforming.

Consider various trends in the world today. The divorce rate in our country has skyrocketed. There is an epidemic of domestic violence. Many children have become victims—victims of sexual abuse and kidnapping. Infidelity and adultery have become commonplace and accepted. These things—the divorce rate, violence in the home, alcoholism, child abuse, sex addiction, drug abuse, and suicide—are only a few of the outward signs that man can no longer handle the stresses and pressure of today. My hope is to come alongside people, not only in dealing with stress and pressure but to keep their lives spiritually strong and morally sound. I long to help souls find peace in their circumstances. An important part of that journey can a temperament assessment that helps you discover who God made you out to be—not who you’re “supposed to be.” 

There is so much hope! If you’re failing at who you’re “supposed to be,”

let’s find out together how you can succeed at who you ARE!

If you’re interested in having your temperament assessed, send me a private message on Facebook and mention AVENGERS to get $10 off your assessment (reg. $30). I’ll be sure to schedule both your assessment and your first appointment to discuss results.

Suddenly My Calling Was Too Strong to Ignore

Here’s how a brain injury and birds led me to open a Christian counseling practice 

It was in high school that I began noticing how often people came to me for “counsel.” I was somewhat shy and insecure so I didn’t know how to cultivate this gift yet. However, in college, this part of me began to flourish as friends and dorm-mates consistently came to me for advice about faith, prayer needs, emotional struggles, and relationship counseling. 

After graduation, I spent the next 18 years as a youth pastor in Michigan and then Vancouver, WA. As part of my ministry during those years, I was frequently engaging in Christian counseling. Everything from depression and anxiety to marriage and divorce became regular appointments. I found great joy coming alongside these hurting souls and seeing them bravely take steps to grow healthy hearts and minds. During this time, I was asked many times for a referral to a Christian therapist. I gladly recommended the wonderful faith-based therapy associates I knew of, little knowing that I myself was moving towards my own Christian counseling practice.

In the summer of 2015, I suffered a brain injury that took me out of pastoral ministry for nearly a year. When I came back to work, the church graciously changed my role to Associate Pastor as the demands of youth ministry were too difficult for my still-in-recovery-brain. This new opportunity opened the door for even more people to come to me for mentorship, coaching, and spiritual direction. Suddenly, I found myself constantly occupied with couples counseling, parenting counseling, youth counseling, and recovery counseling. These conversations spanned topics like alcohol, drug, and sex addiction, questions about faith, and people’s pursuit of vocational calling.

Even though this aspect of ministry was not technically in my job description, I couldn’t get away from it! In fact, at one point I was asked, “please stop meeting with people one-on-one as your time will be better spent reaching larger groups of people.” But even they eventually saw that my true gifting was in Christian counseling rather than church leadership. 

During the long recovery of my brain injury, I began appreciating birds. Yes, birds. This discovery had been growing in me for years, but now it was in full swing. Besides the fact that they fly, sing and have feathers, I became fascinated with their behaviors, migration habits, and survival techniques. Through the process of trying to identify every bird in Clark County, I started to dwell on the teachings of Jesus regarding birds. He taught us to “look at the birds.” I soon realized that God designed birds to, among other things, teach us not to worry, help us remember we’re loved, and remind us He’s always with us. It was as if the two beautiful worlds of Christian counseling and bird-watching were colliding to make an epic scene of compassion in my life. Thus was born the idea of Sparrow Christian Counseling. 

In pursuit of this calling, I became a licensed and credentialed pastoral counselor through the International Fellowship of Ministries and began taking classes through the National Christian Counselors Association to pursue my MA. I obtained my credentials through Prepare-Enrich to offer more effective couples therapy and learned from the Genesis Process how to help in addiction recovery. It has been an extremely encouraging journey to learn how to better serve the hurting people in my community by providing affordable Christian counseling.

Whatever it is that lead you to Sparrow Christian Counseling, know that hope is near.
You don’t have to do this alone. Let’s talk.