Lessons in Confession from a Legendary Punk
The importance of confession, the fancy word for “admit”, is exceptionally significant. Not only does it allow us to improve our relationships, it can also bring a relief inside our soul that cultivates life. When we admit we’re wrong we open the door for trust and respect. Why? Because everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone has the character to admit it.
How to Get Better at Admitting You’re Wrong
The first time I heard Mike Ness, vocalist and songwriter for the punk rock band Social Distortion, sing I Was Wrong, I was floored. With so many artists bragging about how amazing they are, how right they are or how wrong everyone else is, it was refreshing to hear someone admit they were wrong. Ness spent year after year in rehab for drug addiction, damaged several relationships and had multiple encounters with the law. Now age 57, he’s expressing himself with raw humility…
When I was young, I was so full of fear
I hid behind anger, held back the tears
It was me against the world, I was sure that I'd win
The world fought back, punished me for my sinsI felt so alone, so insecure
I blamed you instead and made sure I was heard
And they tried to warn me of my evil ways
But I couldn't hear what they had to sayI was wrong
Self destruction's got me again
I was wrong
I realized now that I was wrongI grew up fast, I grew up hard
Something was wrong from the very start
I was fighting everybody, I was fighting everything
But the only one that I hurt was meI realized now that I was wrong
When You Do Not Want to Admit You Are Wrong
Why is it so hard to admit being wrong? One reason is that we may believe we are a genuinely good person, so when we make a mistake, let’s say allowing anger to get the better of us, we experience a clash in our brain. We’re a kind person that people like, yet we just humiliated ourself with our anger. This is called cognitive dissonance - the stress we go through when we experience two opposing thoughts. Our response from this inconvenience may be to deny that we’re at fault. After all, nobody wants our kindness endangered by potential evidence that we’re actually a bully. This threatens our sense of self, which in turn can cause us to avoid the fact that we made a mistake.
Yet the importance of confession, which is a fancy word for “admit”, is exceptionally significant. Not only does it allow us to improve our relationships, it can also bring a relief inside our soul that cultivates life. When we admit we’re wrong we open the door for trust and respect. Why? Because everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone has the character to admit it.
How to Admit You’re Wrong in a Relationship
God Himself has established admitting wrongness (confession) as one of the core aspects of developing a relationship with Him. The Apostle John said it like this,
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins
and purify us from all unrighteousness.
(1 John 1:8-9, NIV)
The day that I finally admitted to God that I was wrong and He was right was the best day of my life. This was the day I became a follower of Jesus, but wow was it difficult for me to get to the point of admitting I was wrong! Ironically, once I did finally get to that point, I never felt better. There was an enormous relief inside of me to get that off the shoulder’s of my soul and accept the fact that God loved me anyway. And that’s an important fact: God doesn’t love us based on our behavoirs; God loves us… period. He IS love. He chooses to love. He wants to love. This is crucial to understand for us to move forward with admitting we are wrong.
This truth pours over into our relationships with one another as well. If love is the reason we respond to God by admitting we’re wrong, love can also be the reason we admit wrongness to each other. When we understand in the core of our being that we are loved, accepted and forgiven, regardless of what we’ve done, it can propel us to live in humiilty with one another.
Take the risk and admit you’re wrong. This might go against everything inside you as you want to justify something, or explain your excuses, or are scared to death of looking weak. But the truth is, strong people admit they are wrong. Successful people admit they are wrong. Good people admit they are wrong.
One of my favorite examples of this in the Bible is when King David, who had recently committed adultery and murder, finally breaks down and admits he’s wrong after being confronted by the prophet Nathan. Although the consequences of his mistakes were enormous (which would’ve happened whether or not he confessed his sins), once he was able to admit his wrongness, he experienced freedom in his soul. In fact, one of his most cherished songs, that is still sung today, was written in response to this experience. The lyrics of that song may be a very helpful tool to learn how to take steps to admit wrongness.
How to Admit You’re Wrong
Like many of you, I’ve learned that one of the values of confession is that it can better both my relationship with God and my relationships with others. It’s inconvenient, and it can hurt, but it brings life, and I’m committed to cultivating life more than protecting my pride. For many people though, admitting wrongness isn’t just inconvenient… it’s excruciatingly difficult! If that’s you, you probably recognize how this impacts your life. You wish you could “just admit it”, but there’s a strong part of you that wishes “THEY would just admit it”. And that’s part of the challenge with confession. Many times it’s a multifaceted, rather complicated endeavor. We want them to admit they’re wrong, and then maybe we’ll think about what we might’ve done wrong.
If you find yourself stuck in this rut, I know what it’s like to hold on to resentment toward others and hold back from admitting that we too were wrong. But consider some of these thoughts:
Admitting you’re wrong doesn’t mean you’re weak.
Admitting you’re wrong doesn’t mean “they” didn’t do everything right (they might be even more at fault than you are, but you can’t control their confession… only yours).
God rewards those who can admit they’re wrong (even if man uses our confession against us).
Admitting you’re wrong is the right thing to do (even if it’s just admitting it to yourself and God, this is an extremely crucial step in being able to move forward in your life in a healthy way).
Ready to admit you’re wrong? Here’s a few ways to go about it:
Admit the truth to yourself (this doesn’t have to be a shameful experience)
Admit the truth to God (truth sets people free!)
Tell the person “I am sorry, I was wrong” (simple and clear… these are powerful words!)
Look for the lesson (there’s always an opportunity to learn something).
Forgive yourself and move on with grace, compassion and love toward youself and others
I hope this has been an encouraging read for you! Don’t give up! Keep moving forward!
If you’re stuck in the rut of pride, unforgiveness or hurt, I am here for you! Please contact me and let’s come up with strategies to overcome! There’s always hope!
This Is What Happens When You Give Healthy Feedback
Have you noticed that thoughtless criticism seems so much easier to dish out than constructive feedback? For many of us, we may tend to be easily insulted and in high need of ego defense. In other situations, we’re just plain too emotional in the moment, too tired and hungry. Regardless, we are all responsible to keep a check on what we say and how we say it. It is possible to give constructive criticism! Here’s some truths that will help…
How to Give Constructive Criticism and Encourage at the Same Time
Jake Lloyd is a man who needs a lot of compassion. At just 10-years-old he starred as Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace and his hopes were soaring as this was the chance of a lifetime. But what was supposed to be the launching pad for an amazing life, turned out to be a living nightmare.
Expectations for the movie were ridiculously high and Lloyd became the target in the wake of harsh criticism. Many fans hated Phantom Menace and were looking for ways to mutter their annoyance with the film, and Jake became their whipping boy. People began calling him “Mannequin Skywalker” as a reference to what they said was “wooden acting”. He endured years of bullying at school, and all this led to a severe whiplash effect on the 10-year-old.
“I’m still angry about the way they treated Jake Lloyd. He was only ten years old, that boy, and he did exactly what George wanted him to do. Believe me, I understand clunky dialog.”
- Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker)
The aftermath in Jake’s life was tragic. He began despising being in front of the camera and destroyed all of his Star Wars memorabilia. In 2015, he assaulted his mother and then later was arrested after initiating a high-speed police chase. In April 2016, he was relocated from jail to a psychiatric hospital with a schizophrenia diagnosis.
How to Give Constructive Criticism without Crushing Someone
Have you noticed that thoughtless criticism seems so much easier to dish out than constructive feedback? For many of us, we may tend to be easily insulted and in high need of ego defense. In other situations, we’re just plain too emotional in the moment, too tired and hungry. Regardless, we are all responsible to keep a check on what we say and how we say it.
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen”
-Apostle Paul, Ephesians 4:29
How to Approach Constructive Criticism for Sensational Results
Can you imagine what life would be like if we were able to live out those words from the Apostle Paul on a daily basis? What if all of our criticism was so constructive that it was continually based on only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs?
There’s a poster on the wall of a business I regularly visit that says:
Before you speak, THINK
T ~ is it true?
H ~ is it helpful?
I ~ is it inspiring?
N ~ is it necessary?
K ~ is it kind?
A simple commitment to practice these sentiments can go a long way in helping us learn how to engage in healthy constructive criticism. Need to assess someone’s behavior? It may be wise to THINK through these beforehand.
Words and Tone and Body Language, Oh My!
Not everyone loves a Compliment Sandwich, but many people eat it up, and I’m one of them! When somebody needs to critique me I am always down for the encouraging words bookended on each side of the criticism. Not only does it help me digest the feedback, it also assures me that they’re seeing the positives along with my growth areas.
The absolute best is when:
I already know that this person genuinely cares about me
Their words are balanced with both praise and critique (Compliment Sandwich)
Their tone is under control
Their body language communicates peace
Admittedly, those four things aren’t easy to manage when correcting someone, especially in the heat of the moment. I’m just as guilty as anyone for clobbering someone with my words. That’s why it’s crucial to practice taking a few moments to plan what we’re going to say and how we’re going to approach the criticism so that the impact is legitimately constructive.
It is possible to use our words, tone and body language to build others up even when needing to criticize. And isn’t that the whole point with constructive criticism? The word “constructive” communicates building rather than tearing. It’s the art of saying something difficult in a way that allows the person to receive it to help meet their needs.
Using Attractive Words that Help People Soar
It may be that our first step in approaching constructive criticism is doing a heart check. If our inner attitude toward the person is nasty that’s the first thing that needs to be addressed. When we’re ready to move forward with our feedback here are some go-to phrases that can build people up in the midst of the constructive criticism:
“I’ve noticed you’re grown so much in the area of…”
“The other day when you… caught my attention. Well done!”
“I love it when you…”
“People seem to respond very positively when you…”
“Everyone seems to appreciate your willingness to…”
“Few people I know are as good at…”
“The potential you have for… is outstanding.”
“It’s impressive to see someone so quick to learn…”
“One of the coolest aspects about you is…”
“I love how God created you…”
Remember, the person you are criticising is a person God created and loves. That makes them worth the effort to figure out how to approach the conversation. You can do this!
If you’re struggling to know how to move forward with a relationship that is frustrating I’m here for you! Conversely, if you’ve been negatively impacted by criticism and could use a friend to come alongside you I’m here for you too! If you find yourself in a rut of negativity and hear your mind and/or your mouth tearing people down I’d be happy to come alongside you as well! We’re all in need of grace and there’s always hope!
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
-Psalm 19:14