How to Be Happy on Valentine's Day

Embracing new practices that will dramatically transform your happiness

Whether you’re alone or are with someone but still feel alone, Valentine’s Day can be tricky for some people as they struggle with how to be happy. You’re not alone in that. The desire for happiness is a universal want in all humans. Everywhere. In fact, learning how to be happy is such a strong desire that, at one point, the class Positive Psychology became the most popular class at Harvard University. This class was pulling in 1,000 students each week! 

Here’s what some studies have shown about our happiness:

• 50% is determined by our genes (our genetic set point)

• 10% is circumstances (money, social status, health, age, where you live, etc.)

• 40% is intentional activity (actions you choose to do)

Think about that last stat… 40% of “how to be happy” comes from intentional activity. That’s a lot! Compare that to only 10% being determined by our circumstances! This means whether or not you’re happy on Valentine's Day (or any other day for that matter) can have much more to do with intentional activity than you might have thought. This is good news friends; this means you have a lot of control over how to be happy! 

So, yes, a person can experience deep and genuine happiness with bad circumstances, but it does come with a catch... that person is going to need to be willing to work for it. Intentional activity doesn’t happen by itself, in a vacuum or by osmosis. We have to be willing to practice.  (By the way, to see more on this check out Galatians 6:9 in the Bible… it’s the verse I’ve built much of my life upon.)

7 Things You Can Practice NOW to Learn How to be Happy

1) Get a Dopamine Hit

Dopamine, a chemical neurotransmitter in the brain, is necessary for feelings of pleasure and happiness. You can seek out healthy experiences that release dopamine. Want to know one of the easiest ways to achieve this? Aerobic exercise. That’s right, cardiovascular conditioning (fast walking, swimming, running, cycling, etc.) is one of the best ways to release dopamine, especially if you do it in novel ways (a simple Google search will reveal lots of ideas). 

2) Get In the Zone

In the 2011 documentary Happy, Filmmaker Roko Belic travels to more than a dozen countries, searching for the meaning of happiness. He found something called flow - “a kind of synergy of different aspects of consciousness where you wish you could go forever because you're good at it, nothing else matters in that moment, you forget yourself and love life…” What he learned is that people who experience flow on a regular basis are happier than those who don't. 

3) Recover from Adversity

Surprisingly, one of the keys to learning how to be happy is found in bouncing back. This might seem like a daunting task, but honestly, a lot of it has to do with our mindset.  (Check out Galatians 6:9 , James 1:12 and Romans 5:3-5 for some inspiration). 

4) Be Content with What You Have

This is one of the most striking aspects of the documentary, Happy. Roko talks about The Hedonic Treadmill, which is “adapting to material things and then wanting more...then more...then more…  because you keep adapting to the next thing”. The truth is, once you have your basic needs met, more money doesn't buy more happiness. Yes, the difference in happiness between the person who earns $5,000 and $50,000 is dramatic, but the difference in happiness between the person who earns $50,000 and $50 million is not dramatic. As it turns out, Hedonic Adaptation is one of the main enemies of happiness. In other words, if we can learn to be content with what we have rather than having to purchase yet another “thing” on Amazon, we will finally begin to learn how to be happy. 

5) Have a Close, Supportive Community 

There are two types of goals we pursue in life: intrinsic and extrinsic. Intrinsic goals are satisfying in and of themselves. They have to do with important psychological needs that all people have. The three main intrinsic goals are:

• Personal goals (trying to be who I really am)

• Close, connected relationships 

• Community feeling (wanting to help the world be a better place)

By committing to cultivating healthy relationships, you will be learning how to be happy. This is especially true if the people you associate with are trying to help the world become a better place! (For more on this see Hebrews 10:24-25)

6) Decrease the Value of Things that Aren’t Worth It 

Extrinsic goals are those things that are external… possessions, rewards, praise, etc. Do these things matter? Yes, to an extent. The problem comes when we put too much value in them. The three most common are:  

• Money (financial success)

• Image (looking good)

• Status (popularity)

All three of those have their place in the world. But honestly, their place should take a back seat to many of the things in life that matter most (God, people, family, mental health, physical state and emotional well-being). As you practice lowering those on the priority list you’ll be teaching yourself, and others, how to be happy. (For more on this see Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 6)

7) Intentionally change your brain with certain practices

Consider the following practices as potential action items to include as part of your life experience to learn how to be happy:

• Believe in something bigger than yourself (Jesus is much bigger than me and I’m so thankful!)

• Cooperate with people (evidently, cooperating with another human can feel just as good as a drug!)

• Show compassion (show people that they're not forgotten, they are loved by God and are precious!)

• Random acts of kindness (do this regularly and you will definitely be on the path to know how to be happy!)

• Laugh (laughter is good medicine!)

• Mindfulness (meditation that cultivates compassion might be more effective than antidepressants!) 

• Journal (every Sunday night write down 5 things you're thankful for and contemplate them...count your blessings!)

• Serve the person right in front of you (helping others carry their burdens can lighten your own load!) 

• Forgive (releasing people from your judgment will allow freedom for your soul! Practice forgiveness!)

All of these practices help us cultivate healthy spiritual emotions. If we put these into action we can intentionally change our brains! The paradox here is that if we’re worried about our own happiness, it can become a selfish endeavor. However, if we concern ourselves with the well-being of others and care about something bigger than ourselves, our life can grow! (For more on this see Romans 12:1-3, and really chew on verse 2!)

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If you’ve been hurt and your love tank is running on fumes

take a few moments each day to cultivate happiness.

You'll transform your brain, and your heart, in very positive ways!

Don’t give up! There’s always hope! 

If you are still struggling with how to be happy or content in your life, I’m here for you! 

When your Cranium gets Crammed with Colossal Craziness

Emerging your self-talk to new heights

The power of positive thinking is real. Everybody I know wants to know how to be happy, and most of us understand that positive thinking is a crucial part of the equation. If positive thinking has become a priority for you, well done! Keep reading…

You know what it’s like when you hear a song for the first time and it strikes a chord in you so deep that you get emotional? That’s how it was for me the first time I heard NF’s The Search. Here’s the specific lines that caught me attention...

Last year I had a breakdown
Thoughts tellin me I'm lost gettin too loud
Had to see a therapist then I found out
Somethin' funny's going on up in my house
Yeah started thinkin' maybe I should move out
You know pack my cart take a new route
Clean up my yard get the noose out
Hang up my heart let it air out

The point I'm makin is the mind is a powerful place
And what you feed it can affect you in a powerful way
It's pretty cool right?
Yeah, but it's not always safe
Just hang with me this will only take a moment okay
Just think about it for a second if you look at your face
Every day when you get up and think you'll never be great
You'll never be great
Not because you're not but the hate
Will always find a way to cut you up and murder your faith

Nathan Feuerstein (NF) communicates so well what it’s like for someone struggling with positive thinking. Our brains are an amazing masterpiece of creation that have the power of life and death, and if left untamed, will lead to unfortunate places. That’s why books on how to think positive are aplenty, everyone wants to know how the secret to positive thinking! 

Is it possible to rewire our brains to embrace positive thinking?

Here’s an excerpt from National Geographic regarding the fleshy computer in our skulls:  

You carry around a three-pound mass of wrinkly material in your head that controls every single thing you will ever do. From enabling you to think, learn, create, and feel emotions to controlling every blink, breath, and heartbeat—this fantastic control center is your brain. It is a structure so amazing that a famous scientist once called it "the most complex thing we have yet discovered in our universe."

Like all wonderful things in life, we must be careful to be good stewards of our brains. Our minds are extremely powerful, and therefore, as Stan Lee taught us, with great power comes great responsibility. If you’re like me, you’ve had seasons in your past where you forgot to be a good steward of you self-talk and positive thinking became a forgotten pipe dream. The ramifications can be devastating, but there’s good news! Your brain, with some diligent practice, can be transformed into something beautiful again! Here’s how the Apostle Paul put it…

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
(Romans 12:2)

How to train your mind to think positively

Picture yourself on a trail. Pretend the trail is a path that you’ve realized is leading toward a certain doom. On your left with an incline covered in dense plant life and trees. You decide to take out your machete and start building a new trail. How much work would that be? How long would it take? Right. A lot of work and a long time. However, would it be worth it if that new trail led to certain life? Absolutely. 

Our brains are very similar! We have the ability to create new pathways in our minds! It’s going to take a lot of practice, but it will be completely worth it. The more we practice healthy self-talk the more the build a new pathway upstairs. And the other cool part about this process is that the negative trail begins to get overgrown. In other words, our brain figures out that we don’t need that trail anymore and the new trail becomes the “go to” pathway. 

If you’re struggling with your thoughts, be encouraged! There is hope! You can practice healthy thinking and become “transformed by the renewing of your mind”. Positive thinking can become a reality for you! You can embrace the thought life that your Creator intended for you to have; a thought life that brings exactly that… life!  If you’d like to talk more about this please consider scheduling an appointment with me. I’d be happy to come alongside you as your Christian Counselor and teach you more tools to develop healthy, gracious self-talk. There’s always hope!

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

You Have the Chance to Make a Powerful Comeback

What to Do When You Encounter Setbacks

George “Babe” Ruth is one of the most famous baseball players of all time. He was a star pitcher for the Red Sox, but soon became celebrated as a home run slugger. In fact, he was so good that a couple of his records still stand today,  which is saying a lot considering his final season was in 1935!  

For as good as Ruth was at hitting the ball over the fence (he had 714 career home runs!), he was also known as the King of Strikeouts. He had an all-or-nothing batting style that led him to lead the American League in strikeouts five times, accumulating 1,330 of them in his career! 

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Yet, for all those strikeouts, Babe Ruth was still committed to smacking that ball across Yankee Stadium. That tenacious attitude gave him the nicknames The Great Bambino and The Sultan of Swat. By the time he finished his career, he was by far one of the greatest celebrated home run hitters of all time. 

Ruth is credited for saying, “Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.” Think about the significance of that statement for a moment. He didn’t allow his setbacks to keep him from having a comeback. This reminds me of the Apostle Peter in the Bible. Peter is known for putting his foot in his mouth over and over again. Out of all the dysfunctional disciples, Peter is the most famous for his blunders. After all, he’s the one who denied that he even knew Jesus during Jesus’ greatest hour of need. Yet, for all Peter’s imperfections, he never gave up… and the Lord never gave up on him! 

This is an important idea for all of us. God saw the potential in Peter, and He sees the potential in you too. He sees what you can become if you keep moving forward. No matter how many setbacks you have, you always have the opportunity to choose not to stay back. 

Yes, Peter is known for a lot of his mistakes, but he’s also known for being the one disciple who walked on water, and the one Jesus renamed “Rock”, and the one who led the beginning of the church with an impromptu sermon that led thousands to Christ. God didn’t give up on Peter and Peter didn’t give up on God. 

As a Christian Counselor who has come alongside numerous people over the years, I have had the privilege of seeing hopeless people embrace hope, hurting people become healed, and hateful people become compassionate. I have seen dysfunctional relationships become healthy, suicidal teenagers have their eyes opened to life-giving grace, and desperate parents equipped to move forward. There is always hope, my friend! If you need someone to come alongside you during this season of your life I am here for you!

Keep moving forward! Keep swinging. When you have a setback, don’t stay back, because God is preparing a comeback. 

Success? Here's the truth no one likes to hear.

Learning to embrace who you are rather than who you’re “supposed to be” is a big deal!

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I love that moment in Avengers: Endgame. Thor, who has let himself go and is emotionally unstable, listens to his mother say those words (see quote). So good! Thor had been striving to be someone he was never intended to be. Have you ever felt the same?

One of the great tools I get to use as a counselor is the APS Temperament Assessment. Unlike a behavioral assessment, this one measures temperament. 

What is a temperament assessment?

In simple terms, ‘temperament’ is the part of a person that determines how they react to people, places and things. It is how people interact with their environment and the world around them. Christian psychologists believe we are spiritual beings with a particular balance of body, soul, and spirit. The spirit houses our temperament. 

Temperament pinpoints our perception of ourselves and the people who love us. It is also a determining factor in how well we handle the stresses and pressures of life.

Why is a temperament assessment helpful?

As a pastoral counselor, the temperament assessment is a very helpful tool that enables me to more quickly and accurately pinpoint your needs. It covers 3 key areas: inclusion, control, and affection. If those needs aren’t being met, or are being met in unhealthy ways, this can contribute significantly to stress, anxiety, and problems within your life and relationships. Through this valuable tool, you will learn more about your unique, inborn, God-given strengths, weaknesses, and needs. Take it from me, this understanding can be exceptionally helpful and transforming.

Consider various trends in the world today. The divorce rate in our country has skyrocketed. There is an epidemic of domestic violence. Many children have become victims—victims of sexual abuse and kidnapping. Infidelity and adultery have become commonplace and accepted. These things—the divorce rate, violence in the home, alcoholism, child abuse, sex addiction, drug abuse, and suicide—are only a few of the outward signs that man can no longer handle the stresses and pressure of today. My hope is to come alongside people, not only in dealing with stress and pressure but to keep their lives spiritually strong and morally sound. I long to help souls find peace in their circumstances. An important part of that journey can a temperament assessment that helps you discover who God made you out to be—not who you’re “supposed to be.” 

There is so much hope! If you’re failing at who you’re “supposed to be,”

let’s find out together how you can succeed at who you ARE!

If you’re interested in having your temperament assessed, send me a private message on Facebook and mention AVENGERS to get $10 off your assessment (reg. $30). I’ll be sure to schedule both your assessment and your first appointment to discuss results.

Suddenly My Calling Was Too Strong to Ignore

Here’s how a brain injury and birds led me to open a Christian counseling practice 

It was in high school that I began noticing how often people came to me for “counsel.” I was somewhat shy and insecure so I didn’t know how to cultivate this gift yet. However, in college, this part of me began to flourish as friends and dorm-mates consistently came to me for advice about faith, prayer needs, emotional struggles, and relationship counseling. 

After graduation, I spent the next 18 years as a youth pastor in Michigan and then Vancouver, WA. As part of my ministry during those years, I was frequently engaging in Christian counseling. Everything from depression and anxiety to marriage and divorce became regular appointments. I found great joy coming alongside these hurting souls and seeing them bravely take steps to grow healthy hearts and minds. During this time, I was asked many times for a referral to a Christian therapist. I gladly recommended the wonderful faith-based therapy associates I knew of, little knowing that I myself was moving towards my own Christian counseling practice.

In the summer of 2015, I suffered a brain injury that took me out of pastoral ministry for nearly a year. When I came back to work, the church graciously changed my role to Associate Pastor as the demands of youth ministry were too difficult for my still-in-recovery-brain. This new opportunity opened the door for even more people to come to me for mentorship, coaching, and spiritual direction. Suddenly, I found myself constantly occupied with couples counseling, parenting counseling, youth counseling, and recovery counseling. These conversations spanned topics like alcohol, drug, and sex addiction, questions about faith, and people’s pursuit of vocational calling.

Even though this aspect of ministry was not technically in my job description, I couldn’t get away from it! In fact, at one point I was asked, “please stop meeting with people one-on-one as your time will be better spent reaching larger groups of people.” But even they eventually saw that my true gifting was in Christian counseling rather than church leadership. 

During the long recovery of my brain injury, I began appreciating birds. Yes, birds. This discovery had been growing in me for years, but now it was in full swing. Besides the fact that they fly, sing and have feathers, I became fascinated with their behaviors, migration habits, and survival techniques. Through the process of trying to identify every bird in Clark County, I started to dwell on the teachings of Jesus regarding birds. He taught us to “look at the birds.” I soon realized that God designed birds to, among other things, teach us not to worry, help us remember we’re loved, and remind us He’s always with us. It was as if the two beautiful worlds of Christian counseling and bird-watching were colliding to make an epic scene of compassion in my life. Thus was born the idea of Sparrow Christian Counseling. 

In pursuit of this calling, I became a licensed and credentialed pastoral counselor through the International Fellowship of Ministries and began taking classes through the National Christian Counselors Association to pursue my MA. I obtained my credentials through Prepare-Enrich to offer more effective couples therapy and learned from the Genesis Process how to help in addiction recovery. It has been an extremely encouraging journey to learn how to better serve the hurting people in my community by providing affordable Christian counseling.

Whatever it is that lead you to Sparrow Christian Counseling, know that hope is near.
You don’t have to do this alone. Let’s talk.