How to Give Constructive Criticism and Encourage at the Same Time 

Jake Lloyd is a man who needs a lot of compassion. At just 10-years-old he starred as Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace and his hopes were soaring as this was the chance of a lifetime. But what was supposed to be the launching pad for an amazing life, turned out to be a living nightmare. 

Expectations for the movie were ridiculously high and Lloyd became the target in the wake of harsh criticism. Many fans hated Phantom Menace and were looking for ways to mutter their annoyance with the film, and Jake became their whipping boy. People began calling him “Mannequin Skywalker” as a reference to what they said was “wooden acting”. He endured years of bullying at school, and all this led to a severe whiplash effect on the 10-year-old. 

“I’m still angry about the way they treated Jake Lloyd. He was only ten years old, that boy, and he did exactly what George wanted him to do. Believe me, I understand clunky dialog.”
- Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker) 

The aftermath in Jake’s life was tragic. He began despising being in front of the camera and destroyed all of his Star Wars memorabilia. In 2015, he assaulted his mother and then later was arrested after initiating a high-speed police chase. In April 2016, he was relocated from jail to a psychiatric hospital with a schizophrenia diagnosis. 

How to Give Constructive Criticism without Crushing Someone 

Have you noticed that thoughtless criticism seems so much easier to dish out than constructive feedback? For many of us, we may tend to be easily insulted and in high need of ego defense. In other situations, we’re just plain too emotional in the moment, too tired and hungry. Regardless, we are all responsible to keep a check on what we say and how we say it. 

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen”
-Apostle Paul, ‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4:29‬

How to Approach Constructive Criticism for Sensational Results 

Can you imagine what life would be like if we were able to live out those words from the Apostle Paul on a daily basis? What if all of our criticism was so constructive that it was continually based on only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs? 

There’s a poster on the wall of a business I regularly visit that says:

Before you speak, THINK 

T ~ is it true?

H ~ is it helpful?

I ~ is it inspiring?

N ~ is it necessary?

K ~ is it kind?

A simple commitment to practice these sentiments can go a long way in helping us learn how to engage in healthy constructive criticism. Need to assess someone’s behavior? It may be wise to THINK through these beforehand.

Words and Tone and Body Language, Oh My! 

Not everyone loves a Compliment Sandwich, but many people eat it up, and I’m one of them! When somebody needs to critique me I am always down for the encouraging words bookended on each side of the criticism. Not only does it help me digest the feedback, it also assures me that they’re seeing the positives along with my growth areas. 

The absolute best is when:

• I already know that this person genuinely cares about me 

• Their words are balanced with both praise and critique (Compliment Sandwich)

• Their tone is under control

• Their body language communicates peace

Admittedly, those four things aren’t easy to manage when correcting someone, especially in the heat of the moment. I’m just as guilty as anyone for clobbering someone with my words. That’s why it’s crucial to practice taking a few moments to plan what we’re going to say and how we’re going to approach the criticism so that the impact is legitimately constructive. 

It is possible to use our words, tone and body language to build others up even when needing to criticize. And isn’t that the whole point with constructive criticism? The word “constructive” communicates building rather than tearing. It’s the art of saying something difficult in a way that allows the person to receive it to help meet their needs. 

Using Attractive Words that Help People Soar 

It may be that our first step in approaching constructive criticism is doing a heart check. If our inner attitude toward the person is nasty that’s the first thing that needs to be addressed. When we’re ready to move forward with our feedback here are some go-to phrases that can build people up in the midst of the constructive criticism:

• “I’ve noticed you’re grown so much in the area of…”

• “The other day when you… caught my attention. Well done!”

• “I love it when you…”

• “People seem to respond very positively when you…”

• “Everyone seems to appreciate your willingness to…”

• “Few people I know are as good at…”

• “The potential you have for… is outstanding.”

• “It’s impressive to see someone so quick to learn…”

• “One of the coolest aspects about you is…”

• “I love how God created you…”

Remember, the person you are criticising is a person God created and loves. That makes them worth the effort to figure out how to approach the conversation. You can do this! 

If you’re struggling to know how to move forward with a relationship that is frustrating I’m here for you! Conversely, if you’ve been negatively impacted by criticism and could use a friend to come alongside you I’m here for you too! If you find yourself in a rut of negativity and hear your mind and/or your mouth tearing people down I’d be happy to come alongside you as well! We’re all in need of grace and there’s always hope!

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. ‭‭
-Psalm ‭19:14‬